Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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