I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
