There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
