I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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