Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
