so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
How external is "for external use only"?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
