He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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