I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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