My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
