I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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