So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize