how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
