chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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