There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
