last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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