I just saw a hot homeless man
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
