Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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