I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
