dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
