if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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