he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
