When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
