Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
