There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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