i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize