Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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