When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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