if we break up, who will get the dealer?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
