My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize