So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
