I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
