Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
