Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Randomize