Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
