I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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