Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
