The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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