I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he was CRYING into my vagina
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's rum buckets o'clock
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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