I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
