help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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