I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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