My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
