Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
