I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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