walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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