I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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