oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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