If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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