oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
