His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
