Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
