i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
