His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
