There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
