I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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