Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize