He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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